a new chapter of de.light at the end of the tunnel

After being so exhilarated with my recent quest and adventure, and wanting nothing more than to devote my full attention, time and energy to describing and adding to it, ultimately, life got in the way. My present only source of income, after having been cut off from an earlier employer who had subsidized my housing – which afforded me the luxury of time to devote to my own writings – I have had to throw all of my time and attention into making my living. That is, I do business writing, on the topic of consulting. I learn a great deal through the subject matter which I write about, however, I’ve calculated that since my aim is quality rather than quantity, and I am paid per page, my income works out to about 4.50 euro/hour. In other words, it relegates very little time for me to concentrate on any of my other pursuits; of doing outdoor physical sports, writing my blog(s), my children’s book, playing bass guitar and composing music; all which in a perfect world, would and should have priority!

Part of de.light at the end of the tunnel, was the awakening recognition of how I was robbing myself – through the relationship I was devoted to – of celebrating myself & the pleasure of living life devoted to creativity to the fullest. I have realized during this process of awakening, that in fact, I am the only person responsible for the choices that I have made, which have lead to me continually being beaten down and not valued. I have therefore decided to share this letter I wrote, which in itself, is part of my process, of trying to understand, why I chose to commit myself to a person who didn’t value me. I am trying to finally resolve, a series of unfulfilling and unsupportive relationships, with the attempt to break the trend and my own tendency, to keep jumping back into the fire. As my dear father says: I’m like a moth attracted to the flame. Maybe some of this is the adventure of a conquest, but it is rather, a thinly disguised self-loathing, of never feeling that I’m good enough. It’s about time to resolve it and move on, and to start shining the light from within. I share this very personal letter to my ex-flame ha! the irony in that choice of words! I promise to once again continue with stories of my last adventure, and more to come. It appears that Carol the ex-patriot, is about to return from Berlin, Germany to the States, to continue my adventures from there. And if I play the cards right, I will be bounding on even wider adventures – with the help of financial security through grants and sponsors – to assist and support my ability to devote 111% of my precious life’s time towards doing what I passionately love to do the most, and which I do best.

the end of the last chapter:

To the ex-flame,

As usual, I wrote a long email to you, but decided to rewrite this instead. I have already told you many times the things that gratify ‘you’ and what I loved about what we shared. However, there are many things that I did not like, and which I tolerated. I mostly felt very alone, isolated and neglected during our relationship. There was a part of you that I completely respected, a voice that spoke with authority….But that’s not the point here, this isn’t about you, it is about me.

I have not loved and adored ‘myself’. Deep within myself, I have never felt that I deserved love, or that anyone could love me. That’s why I got together with you, and returned again and again, for you to mirror this self-loathing, right back to me! You reflected with your behavior, anger, disappointment, criticism, disrespect, annoyance and disgust with me, exACTly what I felt about myself and what I felt I deserved in life.

At times you may have thought that you saw someone who is confident & arrogant, who appears to know it all, who is fearless and adventurous,
but the other side of this
is a woman highly critical of herself, not confident, and feeling replaceable by anyone.

I was like an object on the periphery from the start when you were together with K. and even when you were ‘together’ with me. You rarely included me in your life or wished for me to know you, or wanted to get to know me. You didn’t value me, support and appreciate who I am and what I do, rarely wanted to spend time with me alone; to go swimming, hiking, traveling together, go on adventures, to go ‘out’ to art & music events, dancing, or even to take time to talk about life.

Hidden there, barely visible, is me, who at times feels attractive, graceful, intelligent, talented, patient, creative, devoted, faithful, compassionate, loving… Every once in a while you would see this part of me, and I think you hated seeing me confident; assuming that I act like I know everything and only want to take advantage of everyone.

It’s true that I am selfish, fearful & not very generous, believe me, I know my negative attributes! I have an addictive personality and such feeble self esteem burning beneath the flicker of confidence and superiority, that I chose to be with you, as you beat me up emotionally and physically.

I have to forgive myself, for incessantly giving all of my power and devotion to you, instead of honoring myself.

all the best,

carol

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About carolkeiter
Aspiring writer, artist, musician and composer who was born and raised in the United States and has resided in several European countries. Communication is my forte; both through using various tools and in approaching people of divers backgrounds to gather information. Speak conversational - advanced intermediate - French, German and Spanish. Love interacting with people in cultural centers as much as going to remote places to learn more about the different creatures that share our planet. Love of the outdoors and of a variety of outdoor sports. Driven to learn and expand my own consciousness and understanding through curiosity and love of life. Creative skills merge with analytical ones, leading to an interest in a myriad of topics; ranging from politics, economics, science to environmental. Motivated to use my art, music and writing to support and educate people towards humane practices that support and respect all of life, including practices supporting a healthy planet.

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